Super Mario Regurgitation

Nintendo's golden prize, their mascot, Mario, must be broke. Well, he's either broke, or he's lazy.

Ever since the nineteen eighties (yes, I'll refer to them like this, because even though I remember the time period vividly, I'm gonna make it seem like a long time ago, for our younger viewing audience), we have been subjected to a convenient Mario. A Mario that would ask for us to lend him money, whether or not the investment would be worthwhile. His face would cameo in several of our most beloved titles, and yet... in the middle of Mario's grandest hour, he phones in an appearance to a video game with even his likeness on the cover.

Yes, diehard fans, I refer to Super Mario Bros. 2 (or Mario Madness, as the cover art had written). As many of you probably know, Mario did not actually inspire this game, as it was created overseas for an entirely different audience, an audience who would understand uprooting crops to throw at caped walky-thingies in masks. Sub-Con, Wart, Snifit, even Bob-omb (yes, I agree, it was the most redeeming thing about this game being created)... these are not a true Mario world. No, I won't even buy that this is a dream state... whoops. I'm sorry, I forgot; BELATED SPOILER ALERT!! Yeah, all right. Now I've taken care of a few people, so they know what to expect. At the end of this title, Mario is seen sleeping, dreaming all of this up. He wakes up, looks at the camera (if you could call it that in 2D, eight-bit land), and goes back to sleep.

This was no dream sequence; this was little more than a spriteswap and a spit-polish.

Super Mario Bros. 2 is a rehashed title from Japan, known in some circles as Doki Doki Panic. The music in the japanese version is nearly identical, as are all of the enemy sprites and all of their construction. One of the main differences is that, in the japanese game, characters don't shrink when they get down to one jewel, and instead of having a potion that opens a door, it's Alladin's Lamp. Also, once you go behind the door, you are not treated to a mock version of the first title's main theme, but instead you are treated to something that would fit the turban-and-veil-wearing main characters that originally graced the title!

Now, for those of you who never knew, you now have the answer to why nothing about Mario 2 makes sense in any other game. The music never matched, the character design was somewhere out of the left field bleachers, and the villain didn't have a spiked shell!!

Now that that little rant is out of the way, lemme move on in Mario history, to show you where this little phone-in is somewhat repeated. After Mario 2 was released in the US (the Japanese were treated to a restructured Mario 1 for the Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2, which we finally saw over here in its watered-down state in The Lost Levels), a couple of years later, we were treated to what may be one of the greatest Mario titles ever, Super Mario Bros. 3. CLEARLY a fresh team of programmers went into this title, and did some very nice things to it that made a lot of people forever shout the praises of Nintendo for its creativity.

Around this time, the Super Mario Land series was also developing on Game Boy. Even with the addition of Wario later on, which could only be seen by some of the most diehard fans to be a perverted restructuring of the Mario image, the SML series was actually enjoyable, however short, execution-wise.

For the launch of the SNES, Super Mario World was created, and it was another wonderful addition to the library of Mario titles. Even if it was a bit borrowed and sliced from Super Mario Bros. 3, there was enough original material in this game to warrant a new purchase. Sure, Yoshi might have been another left-field entry, but he was welcomed by most of the gaming public, and perhaps those who created him thought he went over a bit too well (dude... don't make Yoshi the lead character in a Mario title... Super Mario World 2 doesn't deserve to have the Mario label on it, short of the shrieking baby Mario that rode on his back).

Yes, there are other titles that grace Mario's library, from cameo appearances in the DK series, as well as a Kart series he starred in... but, let's stick to the 2D platformer for which homeboy was born, okay?

Super Mario 64, obviously, changed the face of video gaming. A 3D platformer of that magnitude had never been remotely executed as well as this one was... sadly, it's 3D, and therefore doesn't really matter in this commentary, for the 3D Marios don't bug me as much as what was done to the 2D Mario.

Have you seen any new 2D Mario PLATFORM games lately? Say, on Game Boy Advance, or something, where programmers didn't feel like they had to create something 3D to appease the public? Well, if you thought you did, let me inform you how wrong you truly are.

If you actually stayed in video games long enough to see Doki Doki Panic actually appear on American consoles 3 times, then you're probably just as bitter as I am. Sure, Super Mario All-Stars was a very nice package, with the ability to save progress, and update the visuals on dated titles... but, that does not excuse Super Mario Advance, which was nothing more than SMB2 from Super Mario All-Stars with annoying voices for the characters (or, as I have coined, a spit-polish).

When Super Mario Advance 2 came out, at least there was no hiding the fact that this game was direct rehash: Super Mario World, on a handheld console. This game got a spit-polish too, in the form of being able to select between Mario and Luigi, and those damned annoying voices... but this game saw its third release, too! (First release, single gamepak. Second release: packaged with Super Mario All-Stars. Third release: Game Boy Advance 2)

When was the last time we got a brand-new Mario 2D platformer? 1991?? [Deb note: Actually, the last time we got a new Mario 2D platormer was in the form of SML3, with Wario... not true Mario, but worth noting. Thanks to the wisecrackin smart ass AbsoluteXero] Now, I could really give a rat's ass about Joe Consumer, and the mainstream gaming public, trying to convince us that nothing but 3D flies anymore, because they're convinced it isn't as pretty and lifelike... I wish they could understand what a video game is, and what it's supposed to be. You know, a video game is something that you play on a television screen... NOT pretend you're living it by having comparable visuals to something you'd see if you weren't staring at a black box! GET OVER IT!

Now, back to my original point, about Mario being either broke or lazy. Instead of getting fresh Mario titles like we did in years past, Mario isn't even phoning in his appearances. He's simply not showing up, so the producers of the show are forced to play video tape of past appearances, and add a few new graphics here or there to make it look like a live broadcast.

This simply does not work with the original built-in gaming public. We like our Mario, and we like him fresh... if he's broke, he should know why; because he's been a lazy fatass since 1987. Sure, he dropped a few pounds for a couple of years; hell, he even got shrunk to kid-size in SMW2, but as most of you couch-potatoes know, it's really easy to get back that gut.

I wonder what would have actually happened if Nintendo decided to put these new carts on their old, defunct systems for which they actually appeared... probably would have had to be sold for depreciated value, which would be proper for AN OLD TITLE!!

Ah, well... you know my beef now. Harumph.

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